Saginaw, Michigan was once a very big deal and I know you are thinking “huh?” so I’m going to get this out of the way now. The title of my essay is a play on words from the movie “Roger and Me” by Michael Moore who is from Flint, Michigan which is a short drive from Saginaw. He also highlighted both towns in the film “Fahrenheit 9/11”. Now, before you say “so what” I have to say Saginaw used to be a big deal. The mid-Michigan area had a lot of money flowing through it, starting with lumber barons two centuries ago and later becoming central to auto manufacturing in the last century. Saginaw was once a thriving community and home to many wealthy people who made a huge impact in the area. It is the home town of Stevie Wonder, Serena Williams and yes, me. Saginaw has been highlighted in songs by Simon and Garfunkel and Lefty Frizzel (look him up, I can’t tell you everything). Today, Saginaw is not what it used to be by any means and that is where my story begins.

Now don’t get me wrong as Saginaw still has people who work hard, support the community and try to raise their families in the best way possible. However, it is a community that has lost the glamour it once had and the passion that fed the kind of person who wanted more than just to exist. I went back recently and looked at it with very different eyes. I’ve been living in San Francisco for 12 years and prior to that I lived in New York City, so I see Saginaw much differently than when I drove the streets on a regular basis. It depresses me when I compare it to the excitement, beauty and passion I see in San Francisco or New York.

This photograph was taken while I was driving through a neighborhood on the wrong side of the tracks. I was reminiscing about my childhood, when I came across this old abandoned mansion. This home is on the east side of Saginaw, which was the place to be over a century ago. The west side was likely farmland or tree acreage but now is the “better” place to live. The west side and east side are separated by the Saginaw River which, along with the Nile, is the only river that actually flows north. Now that you are filled with useless knowledge about Saginaw, Michigan, I will get to the point of why I selected this photograph.

The east side of Saginaw looked like this photograph when I was growing up there. Saginaw was not pretty then and is only worse now. The living conditions were tough and to this day I can remember how dangerous it was to live there. However, at the time, it was all my mom could afford. We would walk by run-down buildings and shop in unsafe areas, but this was home and I didn’t really know any better.  I didn’t care that I was the only white child and my friends were all darker than me. I simply remember an older woman named Frannie with many kids, one of whom was Sha and she was my best friend. Frannie cared for me like I was her own and loved me like her own. She would make me eat all of the black-eyed peas on my plate and I did just what she said because I knew she was looking out for me. I wish I knew where she was today as well as my friend Sha. They and an older sister Shirley are the only good memories I have of childhood while living in that area. I really don’t remember much else at all but I was only about six years old at the time. My mother was sick quite often so I spent many days and nights with my extended family and was perfectly content to do so. I miss them and wish I could thank Frannie and tell her how much she meant to me. It brings a tear to my eye now to think of them again. 

Today, Saginaw just isn’t safe for anyone.  Just like in many cities across the country, gangs are everywhere. The gangs in Saginaw rival those found in East LA and Compton. It is very sad to see Saginaw this way because as an adult I can look at this photograph and easily imagine a beautiful home with bright green grass, blooming trees sitting on a large yard where children play with wooden toys and each girl dressed in little frilly skirts and bloomers and the boys likely in suspenders. The river would have been busy with ships carrying all sorts of goods to and from Lake Huron and on to the rest of the Great Lakes. People would have shopped in beautiful stores buying goods from around the world and making sure their children had the best they could afford to give them. However, as a child it was just a building I would walk by on the way to grandma’s house. It didn’t look nice and was a little scary if I looked at it for too long but with the mind of a child, I certainly didn’t contemplate it longer than a second or two.

I was young when I knew I had to leave Saginaw. It was a drive that I could not explain nor did I try to. I just had to leave and I tried numerous times only to fail but 12 years ago I succeeded when I moved to San Francisco. I had no choice and I had no money to return to Saginaw. It was succeed or succeed and no other option was viable. It was the best decision of my life. While I will cherish the people I knew and know in Saginaw, I will never think back fondly of the town itself. I saw too many people waste away because they were afraid to leave. In my opinion, they were swept up in the misery or the complacency that Saginaw lends to itself. When I return, I immediately feel heavy and sad to be there when I see the buildings frozen in a time from long ago and rotting on the east side or the abundance of every chain restaurant and store known to man on the west side and I can’t wait to leave. Life in San Francisco is endless with possibilities and I have traveled the world, I have had wonderful job opportunities, I have met wonderful people in my photography/arts community and many other people who live here and are just amazing in their own right. Life here is large and I love that. I learn something new every day and make an impact in some way in this big city that is known around the world. I’m happy to be a small fish in one hell of a big pond.

My childhood was not easy but I wouldn’t change it. Oddly enough, it has set me up to be able to fit into a larger world. Years ago I just needed to run from Saginaw but now I see that this town that was once amazing and yielded the likes of Stevie Wonder is still breeding incredible people. Some have stayed and some, like me, have moved on to other places. I learned early about acceptance of people different from me, that family values are actually valuable and that having people who nurture and see your potential are crucial to finding your voice as an adult. My mom was the best for nurturing what she saw as potential. Living on welfare, she would still spend a few dollars a month to buy art pencils, paper and paints for me. She was the only one who saw my potential and nurtured it as much as she possibly could.

I have learned since being in San Francisco that the world is big, something that is wonderfully challenging, beautiful and amazing and it makes me thrive. This is all possible because I grew up in small-town America and had a sense the world was waiting with open arms and inviting me to explore it. It took many years but I have come to terms with Saginaw and me and without it I couldn’t fully appreciate dreaming of possibilities beyond a small town.